I’m thinking this is how Kirstie Alley feels right now. She was so great on Cheers. She was great as a Jenny Craig spokesperson too. And she was great on Oprah a couple of weeks ago when she hysterically discussed gaining back 80 plus pounds. But for anyone who’s been in her plus then small then exta plus sizes knows, after putting on her funny face, she went home and stuffed it.
I do feel a deep empathy for what she is going through as I myself was an emotional eater for about 20 years of my only 30 year old life. However, I don’t feel bad for Kirstie . There is enough research out there to know this wasn’t going to work. Diets like Jenny Craig, South Beach, Atkins, Nutra-System and Weight Watchers are just that, diets. They make people who are hungry for life, feel deprived on life’s most basic level. They make eating rigid and restricted versus fun and flexible and all you end up doing is focusing on food, versus living! You lose massive amounts of muscle mass and when you are thinner, you are really fatter and burn less. But most importantly, they don’t focus on the cause of weight gain, only the symptom. If losing weight was about counting calories and fat, anyone who made it past 5th grade math would be at their goal weight.
But losing weight is more about CREATING a life you love. And I’m not talking about cooking more, eating less and hitting the gym religiously. I’m talking about actually finding out how to feed your hunger.
For many who are emotional eaters or struggle with eating, there is a deep hunger for something that isn’t being fulfilled. It might be for a career that provides meaning and not just a pay check. It could be a spiritual hunger that will help you make meaning out of the haphazardness of life. Or it could be for self-love that can only come from the self-confidence, esteem and reliance that comes from carving out a life you want versus looks good on paper to your family, friends and community. This is where the work needs to lie, not in counting calories. Because when your life is firing on all cylinders, you get an energy and optimism surge that makes food a non-issue.
And for me, as someone who dieted for 66% of her life, I never believed people when they said they forgot to eat or weren’t wracked with guilt for overeating. I thought they were full of bullshit…or had some other addiction like cocaine that stunted their appetites. I thought everyone, at least secretly, had the same tormented relationship with food…they were just better at control. But they weren’t lying. I just wasn’t ready to stop using food as a crutch to distract me from the real pain in my life. But once I was, what a simple process weight loss became.
And believe it or not, for celebrities like Kirstie Alley or Oprah who seem to have it all, there is something that needs to be healed. It could be from being afraid they will lose everything or feeling they don’t deserve their success. I don’t know. And my guess is they are trying to figure it out themselves. But if they keep asking the questions, the answers always come.
And while it’s simple, it certainly is not easy. It requires allowing all food, and the options in your life, to be “legal”. It means exploring how your mind and body works – without judgement. It means fully embracing your hunger for the experiences in life you want – like falling in love or being a published author. It means you have to start playing to win versus trying not to lose. It involves asking questions that don’t always have obvious answers: What ingredients make your body and heart feel alive? What really makes you feel at peace versus what society tells you should make you happy? What makes me feel safe and centered in an ever-changing world? It’s all about being mindful.
For many of us who live on auto-pilot, just learning to fly with mindfulness takes time that doesn’t match with a high-school reunion you are trying to be 20 pounds thinner for or a Jenny Craig photo-shoot. But regardless, it must be done if you want sustainable weight loss and more importantly, a life that feeds you mentally and spiritually.
I know personally for me, it involved finding a career that matched my values of integrity, health, love or learning and supporting others. It meant finding faith in something after being diagnosed with cancer at 13 and not belonging to an organized religion. It meant being open to an amazing guy named Carlos who is my best friend and one of my soul-mates this time around. I wouldn’t have quit my Corporate job, or committed myself to yoga and Carlos if I wasn’t playing to win.
None of this happened overnight or in time for a summer swimsuit season. Feeling safe in a fear-based society takes some soul-searching. But it’s an amazing process of discovery. The rewards are incredible. Regardless of what the mainstream media tries to sell you, life is magical and completely in your control. I’m so thankful I gave myself that space to explore because now, food is a non-issue for me and ironically, (like most of life (and not Alanis Morissette Ironic” which isn’t!), I’m at a great weight without food pre-occupying me or having food determine if I had a “good” or “bad” day. The judgements (including comparing myself to society’s ideals) have stopped and the living has begun.
I applaud Oprah for embarking on this mindfulness path, which she declared after gaining 40 pounds herself. If she can be patient in the public eye, we can all give ourselves some space for exploration. Wouldn’t it be great if next time Kirstie Alley came on Oprah, she laughed about how she used to think dieting worked? If she gives herself the time and space to find what she’s truly hungry for, she’ll have a great figure, life and attitude. What more could one ask for? I don’t know – what are you hungry for?
O’ Oprah
January 12, 2009
I’m excited. Partly because the Eagles and the Steelers have a great chance of being in the Super Bowl. I’m a Steeler fan by birth and choice, but cannot help root for the Birds because of my love affair with the city of Philadelphia. But I’m also excited because the conversations around weight, and thus health, are starting to evolve.
I have to give Oprah a lot of credit for this. She has openly discussed her struggles with weight and how it is never about weight. She has also introduced spirituality into the lexicon of the everyday American. This is great because the two are inseparable (Spirituality doe not mean religion, it’s more feeling connected to something greater than yourself).
And while I think Oprah is a visionary in many ways, I’m not surprised that she’s still talking about weight (what caught me more off guard in her recent show is that Oprah went to four doctors and not one figured out she had a thyroid issue. OPRAH – who probably has access to the best doctors in the world, was diagnosed by her viewers. How’s that for an argument to be your own healer and health advocate).
Oprah’s Best Life Diet Plan that she has on her show is created by her trainer Bob Greene. Bob knows a lot about exercise, training, the body and about fat and calories. And he espouses the importance of the emotional tie to food and having to sort out your “stuff” so you don’t turn to food. So to lose weight, exercise, sort out your emotional mess and then eat the Best Life endorsed products. Right, right, WRONG!
Here’s the problem: you are still eating products and not food. 90% of the average Americans diet goes towards processed science experiments and not towards food. Food is something usually without a label, or if it does, you can identify everything on the label as a whole food. And your Great Great Grandmother would know what it was too from back in the Old Country. Potatoes yes, ketchup no. Lettuce yes, Luna bar, no.
Real food connects you to the earth that provided it to you, it connects you to the people you cook and eat with. Above all, it provides a life force that no chemicals can match.
See when you start eating whole, real food and not fragments of food, you become whole yourself. The equation looks like this: Whole foods = Whole self = Best self.
Best self = the confidence and self esteem to put yourself on your priority list and the joy that comes from those decisions. That’s how you never fall off your priority list, lose weight and keep it off. You get a life you love. It doesn’t have to be a battle forever.
It’s about finding what feeds you on and off your plate. But to do that, you must start with eating food*. I think Oprah will get there eventually…maybe us, her viewers, should tell her.
*For a great read on this, check out Michael Pollen’s “In Defense of Food”.
.
